Eurovision 2023 live: Liverpool set to host song contest on behalf of Ukraine | Eurovision 2023

Get ready to mark your Eurovision Bingo cards! Of course, if you want to have a shot of drink each time you spot one of these things, you are welcome, but drinking is not compulsory. Some people – Terry Wogan chiefly – advised leaving off the booze until later in the show. You can just shout “Poe! Poe! Poe! Poe!” instead, or whatever you fancy. Here is what I have got on my list:

• ✨✨✨ A costume change! ✨✨✨

• ✨✨✨ Ludicrous musical instruments appear! ✨✨✨

• ✨✨✨ A cynical key and/or tempo change! ✨✨✨

• ✨✨✨ Someone says the evening/songs have been “wonderful”! ✨✨✨

• ✨✨✨ Use of the French language! ✨✨✨

• ✨✨✨ A guitar solo! ✨✨✨

• ✨✨✨ One of the presenters raps! ✨✨✨

• ✨✨✨ Someone in the crowd is waving a Ukrainian flag! ✨✨✨

• ✨✨✨ Someone is back performing at Eurovision again! ✨✨✨

• ✨✨✨ The Beatles get mentioned! ✨✨✨

• ✨✨✨ A performance is designed to look great on TV but looks terrible in the hall! ✨✨✨

• ✨✨✨ A painfully high note is delivered! ✨✨✨

• ✨✨✨ A human centipede is formed! ✨✨✨

• ✨✨✨ An entirely different song arrives two-thirds of the way through! ✨✨✨

• ✨✨✨ Twelve points from Greece to Cyprus! ✨✨✨

I’ll try and call them out along the way but usually forget. And also try not to get into complicated arguments about musicology as to whether something is technically a key change or not. We all know that cynical rising key change for the final set of choruses when you hear it.

Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments.

The semi-finals were determined purely by public vote, but the Grand Final retains a jury plus public vote system. When the last song has played – Mae Muller’s I Wrote A Song – voting will open. After that there will be some music performances, and then we are into the nail-biting result process.

First we get points from the juries country by country, read out by a national representative, who usually takes slightly too long to do it, thus causing the show to overrun. After all of the jury scores are in, we have the half-time interim results table.

Then the public votes are added to each song in turn, starting with the song lying in 26th place. Songs can get up to 12 points from each country, and this year there is an additional set of points from “the rest of the world”, as the contest is open to anybody to vote. So songs popular with the public can literally add hundreds of points to their tally at a stroke, regardless of where the juries placed them.

The keen-eyed among you will spot that this means as we get closer to the top, songs in sixth, fifth, fourth place etc start leaping over the interim leader. But the interim leader is the last one to have their public points added, so you pretty much never know what the final result will be until there are only two or three more scores to be added.

It makes it incredibly nail-biting, and luckily for me, almost impossible to live blog coherently. The only thing I have ever live blogged that goes faster than the Eurovision vote is trying to cover the luge at the Winter Olympics.

Here is your running order for tonight, which the European Broadcasting Union (EBU) have handily put on a social media graphic so that I don’t have to type it all out. The show starts at 8pm BST.

Ukraine go 19th, the UK goes last. Favourites Sweden and Finland go 10th and 13th. The show opens with Austria’s brilliant song about Edgar Allan Poe, and 25th is Croatia’s utterly and delightfully bonkers anti-war song Mama ŠČ! from Let 3. Plus we will get the usual skits and grand musical numbers.

The comments will be open, but experience tells me that I will be unlikely to draw enough of a breath to join in, but have fun and be kind to each other.

And remember our cardinal rule. If you have come on to the Guardian website to leave a comment saying that you don’t watch Eurovision, you hate it, it is a silly waste of a time, then fair enough, everyone is entitled to their opinion, you do you. But I can guarantee we are having a better time enjoying it than you are by choosing to actively spend your Saturday evening moaning about it 🙂

You can drop me an email to [email protected] if you spot mistakes or want to tell me how your party is going or why Austria should win and so on. I can’t promise to reply but I will try to read them all.

Big hats. Ludicrous costumes. An ornate stage set. Specially composed music. Lots of people waving flags. Yes, that was me live blogging the coronation last Saturday. But tonight it really is the jewel in the crown of the music calendar – the grand final of the Eurovision song contest. This year it is coming to you from Liverpool on behalf of Ukraine and, in the specific case of this live blog, from Walthamstow.

The show starts at 8pm BST, and will be hosted by Graham Norton, Julia Sanina, Alesha Dixon and Eurovision goddess Hannah Waddingham. It will feature 26 acts vying for the title. Sweden’s Loreen is hotly tipped to win, but Finland’s Käärijä, Israel’s Noa Kirel, and Noway’s Alessandra might have other plans.

There are loads of famous faces from Eurovision past set to appear, and there will be celebrations of Liverpool’s musical heritage, and tributes to Ukraine, who would be hosting tonight’s event if it wasn’t for Russia’s invasion of their country.

The comments will be open. It is always great fun, and one of my favourite evenings of the year. Well, except for the panicky bit right at the end when I’m trying follow the scores as they come, file a news story for tomorrow’s paper about who has won, and keep the live blog ticking over, while regretting my earlier drinking decisions. Please join me!