As Rishi Sunak continued his war of words with the Greek government and threw a tantrum at PMQs on Wednesday, what cunning plan might he deploy to appease Tory headbangers and distract the electorate?
The row kicked off when Sunak cancelled a meeting with Greek PM Kyriakos Mitsotakis, after the latter said that Britain’s retention of a portion of the Parthenon marbles was like “cutting the Mona Lisa in half”. Mitsotakis was invited to see Oliver Dowden instead, to which he unsurprisingly replied “óchi efcharistó” (no thanks).
The ensuing furore may just have planted an idea in Sunak’s mind. After all, there are some on the Tory right who probably regret the Stone of Scone going north of the border in 1996 after centuries on display as Plantagenet war booty at Westminster Abbey.
The list of treasures actually stolen from the UK, given our former imperial power, is unsurprisingly small. But there are a number of either lost or stolen items, some entering the realm of mythology, others not. These include Excalibur, the earthly remains of Arthur, Alfred the Great, and Oliver Cromwell, the Three Crowns of East Anglia (immortalised in MR James’s A Warning to the Curious), Joseph of Arimathea’s staff and the Great Seal James II slung in the Thames during the Glorious Revolution of 1688. After his unfortunate death at the hands of Native Hawaiians, Captain Cook was supposedly baked (not to eat) and his bones hidden; also in the Pacific during the same era, The Bounty was scuppered and sunk at Pitcairn by the mutineers.
So what artefacts can the UK government demand the return of – even if we gave them away in the first place?
1 and 2. The Resolute Desk/Churchill’s Bust (The White House, Washington DC)
Queen Victoria’s 1880 gift of a “partner’s desk” made from the oak timbers of Arctic exploration ship HMS Resolute to President Rutherford B Hayes has been used in the Oval Office by the last five presidents. So, especially given the Diet Coke/burger stains that 45 probably added, quite enough time has passed to ask for it back. Oh, and while we’re at it, we’ll take Jacob Epstein’s 1947 bronze bust of Winston Churchill as well, especially as Barack Obama contentiously moved it out of the Oval Office.
3. London Bridge (Lake Havasu City, Arizona)
Although the UK apocryphally conned American developer Robert P McCulloch into acquiring John Rennie’s 1831 edifice rather than the expected Tower Bridge, we can still forcefully request its return. Especially it has since become associated with both Jack the Ripper and Sherlock Holmes in the TV movies Bridge Across Time (1985) and The Return of Sherlock Holmes (1987) respectively.
4. Bayeux Tapestry (Bayeux, France)
An absolute no-brainer. Made and designed in the UK by Anglo-Saxon artists and seamstresses and said to contain coded anti-Norman messages, the tapestry is an integral part of this island’s history. Surely natural justice demands the return of this iconic drapery, perhaps to adorn King Charles III’s private apartments at one of his many estates, or better still, cut into segments and sold off.
5. The Queen Mary (Long Beach, California)
The stately Cunard liner RMS Queen Mary (launched in 1934) has spent far too long slumming it as a tourist attraction (1967-) in California’s seedy Long Beach and would be far better placed moored off Canvey Island, with steerage and lower decks used to house “illegals”. Sunak could plausibly demand the QM’s return solely due to the lèse-majesté of Frank Sinatra setting his 1966 heist flick Assault on a Queen aboard the vessel.
6. The SS Mendi Bell (South Africa)
The South African troopship SS Mendi sank off the Isle of Wight on 21 February 1917 when accidentally rammed by the Royal Mail packet-boat SS Darro. In 2018, then PM Theresa May handed the ship’s bell to President Cyril Ramaphosa at a ceremony in Cape Town. As it was in British maritime waters, an overly generous gesture, Sunak may conclude.
7. The Franklin wrecks of HMS Terror and HMS Erebus (Canada)
Only discovered in 2014 and 2016, these previously lost early 19-century Arctic exploration ships were abandoned in 1848 on an expedition through the northwest passage with all crew members presumed dead. In 2018 defence secretary Gavin Williamson gifted the remains to Canada. The voyage was the subject of the AMC drama series The Terror, which depicted the vessel being haunted by the monstrous spirit polar bear Tuunbaq. So we may ask that, if found, the beast’s frozen corpse should be deposited with Sir Gavin for safekeeping.
8. Anglo-Saxon silver (Denmark)
Danegeld, they called it. Overcharging, the UK government may say, as there’s supposedly more Anglo-Saxon silver in Denmark than in Great Britain, taken from this fair isle by the Vikings. Time for a refund and compensation for this early form of EU-style chicanery.
9. The Vercilli Book (Italy)
The oldest of the four Old English Poetic Codices (the others being the Exeter Book in Exeter Cathedral Library, the Junius manuscript in the Bodleian Library, and the Nowell Codex in the British Library) has been languishing in Vercilli, Piedmont, since at least 1218. Bearing in mind Rishi’s friendship with Italian far right PM Meloni, isn’t it time to bring this one home?
10. Henry VIII’s letters to Anne Boleyn (the Vatican)
Sneaky, smut-obsessed Catholic clergy allegedly stole these entirely private missives to thwart Henry VIII’s attempted annulment of his marriage to Catherine of Aragon. As leader of the Tory party, Sunak has a duty to protect the confidential musings of those who lead the ship of state. So, hand ’em over, Francis.
11. AA Milne’s actual Winnie-the-Pooh (New York)
Like Paddington Bear (isn’t he Peruvian?) Winnie-the-Pooh is an British icon. So to find the poor fellow and friends Tigger, Piglet, Kanga, and Eeyore on display in New York’s Public Library is nothing short of a disgrace. We say free the Pooh Five – prisoners in Manhattan since 1956!
12. Captain Cook’s Yorkshire Cottage (Melbourne, Australia)
In order to commemorate the man who claimed to have discovered Australia, Cook’s North Yorkshire cottage was moved lock, stock and barrel to Melbourne in 1934. OK, so Cook never actually lived there – it was built by his parents. But surely we can swap it for some stolen Indigenous Australian artefacts?
